Life Done Right™

Psychologists are like trees in the wind, they adapt to strange breezes with an understanding that doing so gives them the insight to reflect back the nature of their patient’s behavior. No matter how many books on Freud, Jung, or Margaret Mahler they might read, though, nothing prepares them for the insights that come when their own survival is suddenly at stake.

Daniel Gottlieb is a psychologist, but 25 years ago he was involved in an automobile accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down. Talk about adapting to strange breezes. The ability to cope with unwanted feelings requires a nurturing parent; the ability to cope with physical disabilities on top of emotional issues requires a hero’s tenacity indeed. And yet that has been Daniel Gottlieb’s odyssey.

In his new book, Letters to Sam, we learn that Daniel’s grandson, Sam, at fourteen months old, was diagnosed with a severe form of autism. In writing the book, Daniel raises the hope that one day Sam will be able to read the book and come to know his grandfather in a way not possible at the moment.

The advice offered in this book goes beyond the life of Sam, however. It applies to any parent who craves the calmness of a psychologist’s trained eye in pointing out the obvious in a way that brings a cathartic rush of understanding amid developmental chaos. It’s a perfect summer book for the beach — one you can pick up and put down as you stare at the ocean, pondering the meaning of your own life in relationship to those you love most.

Here’s one brief example that resonates for me:

“One thing all children need is resilience, and you need it more than most. Without resilience, the slightest adversity in life can feel enormous and debilitating. And the best way to build resilience in adulthood is by facing adversity and learning from it in childhood. The important thing is not to avoid problems; it’s learning how to cope with them.”

Daniel Gottlieb is certainly qualified to make such a statement; he’s even more qualified to dispense such wisdom as little miracles of faith that prop up the soul in times of adversity. Mazel tov!

Letters to Sam
A Grandfather’s Lessons On Love, Loss, and the Gifts of Life
By Daniel Gottlieb
Published by Sterling

“Dear Sam, my life was changed the moment you were born.”

So begins this remarkable collection of thirty-two intimate and compassionate letters that Dan (”Pop”) Gottlieb wrote to Sam, his grandson. Frank and honest, they address the same challenges we all face, each in our own way, and reading them delivers an inspiring and emotional punch.

Although the themes of the letters are universal, they draw from a highly personal well of experience. Dan Gottlieb has been paralyzed from the neck down since a nearly fatal automobile accident twenty-five years ago. His grandson Sam was diagnosed at fourteen months old with Pervasive Developmental Disability, a severe form of autism. Dan wrote these letters with the hope that Sam would one day be able to read them and, through them, get to know his grandfather.

Yet you will find no self-pity or regret in these letters. They sing with the purity of a grandfather’s love, understanding, concern, and wisdom and cover universal life lessons: dealing with parents, coping with school, falling in love, living with disappointment, experiencing joy, and achieving personal success.

Written with keen intelligence and hard-won sensitivity, these are letters that illuminate the moments a man and a boy share. Dan’s healing voice of tolerance, hope, and experience is inspiring and serves as a wonderful reminder that, regardless of our abilities and limitations, we all share in the human condition.

Daniel Gottlieb, a practicing psychologist and family therapist, is the host of “Voices in the Family” on WHYY, Philadelphia’s National Public Radio affiliate. A columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer, he is author of two books, including a collection of his columns entitled Voices of Conflict; Voices of Healing. He is the father of two daughters, and Sam is his only grandson. The author’s royalties will benefit Cure Autism Now and other children’s health organizations.